Through the last few months of Elliot's less-than-desirable behaviour, I've said numerous times (both to myself and to others) that I'm glad none of this stuff is happening at daycare. It's been reassuring to me that he saves his worst behaviour for me and Greg.
Today at daycare pickup I found out the line's been crossed. Sandra, one of his caregivers, flagged me down to tell me that Elliot's been behaving badly recently. Hitting, kicking, baby talk and screaming. It sounded all too familiar. My stomach sank as she described his last two days at daycare.
I found it very awkward to talk about when he was standing right there, which she understood, so we have a meeting tomorrow morning to talk about it more. But in the meantime I feel like shit. There are a few thoughts running around in my mind...maybe there's actually something wrong with him developmentally...I don't want his caregivers to stop liking him...what the hell will we do if he gets kicked out of daycare?...how are we going to fix this?
I'm hoping that Sandra will have some useful advice for us. I'm not sure what to expect out of this meeting, except that I want to feel better than I do right now. And I want to have a game plan of some kind.
I talked to my sister about this tonight, and the first thing she said to me is that Elliot IS a sweet child, and this is a behavioural issue. I have to remember that. I also have to remember that we're not in this alone. There are plenty of resources out there to help us if needed.
The icing on the cake was after a perfectly good bedtime this evening, he asked for something that was in Amy's room. I told him I couldn't get it for him because Amy was already asleep. He proceeded to throw two cars that he had in bed with him. So I took them out of the room. He then threw his soother. I picked it up, gave it to him, and told him if he threw it again he'd lose it for the night. He looked me straight in the eye and dropped it on the floor. I picked it up and left the room. That was over an hour ago. I've just spent the last hour plus listening to him cry out for his soother. He's apologized for throwing it, he's pleaded, he's screamed and I think he probably threw something else when I wasn't in the room. I lay down with him for a few more minutes just now and then told him I was going to bed too, and I haven't heard from him since.
Probably not my best parenting decision, taking it away from him (this will be the first night he's EVER slept without it), but once I took it away I felt like I had to stick to my guns. But I wonder if any of it gets through to him.
I hope it does soon. I'm feeling quite helpless.
Comments
This is late, but...
I have been there, and in fact we still have some very rough bedtimes too. Like tonight, for example...I won't get into, but let's just say I am exhausted!
I think the magical answer for us, is sleep. And I'm not just saying that because I'm so tired myself! ;) Like me, my kids are both better people when they are well rested. And for them, that means 12 to 13 hours of sleep.
If I can get them to sleep early 6:30ish, I am relieved, because I know they will wake up around 7am as happy people, who are much easier to live with, and they get along with each other much, much better! If they don't get enough sleep, and they are up later, then we are in for misery the following day. They almost always get up around 7 am, so if they aren't asleep by 7pm, I can guarantee there will be some challenges.
Anyway, that's my two-bits. I will also remind you, that I went to Alison Rees' seminars when I had a 4 year old boy, and a 2 year old girl. And I ended up in a group of 12 other parents with kids the same age as mine, all talking about their crazy four year old boys! You are not alone, and you are doing a good job. It's just not always easy and fun, but hang in there!
no parent is perfect - please
no parent is perfect - please remember that. and i happen to think that you and greg are exceptional parents. the fact that you are so concerned over his behaviour, the fact that you are blogging about it looking for feedback, the fact that you are already thinking about what to do in terms of resources available - that means you are a good parent. A good parent does not have a perfect child. A good parent worries about their not-perfect child. How to help them, to guide them, to learn from them and know you will make mistakes.
Nothing is written in stone - you might have to try various techniques to figure things out together - no two kids are alike. Parenting sure can suck, and it hurts like hell A LOT. But you are a wonderful mom and you have wonderful kids. i love you all to pieces. hugs
Soother
Maybe now is the time to NOT give it back and be done with it? Just a thought.
Oh no.
First, you and Greg are doing a fantastic job with Elliot, which is why I call you for help with Laird. There is nothing wrong with him and he is very sweet.
This is the hardest job in the world and I'm sure I'm doing plenty wrong (like the hours of TV watched yesterday) every day. I watch Laird and Carys (but mostly Laird) and wonder what others are thinking of him and my parenting at every encounter with another parent or child. Man, do you remember how he'd take off on me in the parking lots?
As we said when we were there, we did make a conscious decision to take a harder line with Laird after we moved. His behaviour just got worse and worse and what we had been doing wasn't working anymore. I found that I had a hard time anticipating his triggers and just removing him from a situation or diverting with something else didn't help. I implemented the counting. 1, 2, 3 time out. We made sure that the time out spot wasn't going to be in a fun spot where he could play (we have given him a time out in a store and in parking lots). As far as throwing things in his room, I have been know to warn him then clear out the room of all things that could be tossed. There's not much in there so it takes no time and it really get the point across. I always give him his stuff back after the time out is done.
I'm sure your meeting is going to go well and she'll have lots of tips for you. You need to do what you both feel is right for you and what is comfortable. I've heard that 3 is way harder than 2 and I've been promised that 4 is better and I'm holding on to that.
Big Hug!
Hang in there!
I hear you. I've often thought that parenting is one of the hardest things I've ever done (am doing). There seems to be so much at stake and so many ways in which to screw it all up. There's plenty of books, tips, tricks and advice, but that isn't always very helpful. And the guilt! Egads, the guilt.
Here's the thing. You did want you felt was right, at the moment. Sure, you second guessed yourself afterwards, but you still continued to do what your instincts suggested. And that seems to be part of the trick, trusting yourself. Elliot will learn something from every interaction; whether he remembers, well, that's why they repeat their mistakes, right? As for you, you learn something every time as well. And he did apologize, right? He just couldn't resist testing your boundaries. Then he was sorry. That sounds like a learning experience.
I'm sorry things are more of a challenge right now. But he is such a cute kid and really wonderful. And you are doing a great job. Really. I hope you have a good sleep and your daycare meeting goes well. And tomorrow is another new day.