If I Had a Blog This is what I'd say...

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I go through periods where I feel like I've got it together...my family is healthy, pets aren't dying, work is going well, things just generally feel "right"...and then I go through periods where I feel like I'm barely holding on. I think this happened before we had kids, but it seems more pronounced in the "AK" years (after kids). If I'd started this post three hours ago it would be full of swear words but I've since had some alcohol and the kids have been asleep for a couple of hours so I'm a bit calmer. Plus I'm blessed to be married to a very calming man.

My family is healthy, our remaining pet is not dying, and work is going well, but I still feel like I'm barely holding on, so there is more to it than that. I feel like I haven't had much time for me lately. Which is odd because the majority of the last seven days I've only had one child to take care of. But this has been brewing for a few weeks. Elliot's recent emotional state at daycare has been hard on me -- it's got me to thinking about his personality in general, and I worry that he's going to have a tough road ahead of him. I think his sensitivity leads to his volatility, and it can be hard to be on the receiving end of it. And I'm sure it's tough on him too.

When I titled this post "the balance" I was thinking about the balance between finding time to spend with my family and finding time for just me, but I realize it's also about finding a balance with Elliot. Knowing when to push him past his comfort level and when to just let him be. Knowing when to walk away from him when he's hitting or screaming and when to fold him up in my arms and just hold him tight. Continually wondering what the "right" thing to do is, to get him past whatever hump is in his way.

I recently had a conversation with my sister and she acknowledged (after saying how much she loved Elliot) that she has always thought that Greg and I haven't had the easiest time of it, raising our son. I have never thought of him as difficult and would never want to put that label on him, but I was surprised at how validated I felt. He has always slept well, ate well, developed normally, etc., and I never really thought about the emotional aspect of raising him. But while I felt validated, I also felt a bit thrown off, like I was on unstable footing, and I'm still feeling that. He's still the same kid, but I find myself looking at him differently, and looking at my parenting differently. And I don't like it. I don't think this is happening in the moment when I'm with him, but I've been doing a lot of reflecting when I'm not with him, and that's when these feelings come up.

And perhaps that why I feel like I haven't had much time for me -- I've been investing so much time thinking about Elliot. I don't blame my sister for making me feel this way. I would have got there on my own, as I watch my daughter grow and continue to take life very much in stride, laughing almost all the way. It's such a stark contrast to her brother. And it makes me worry about him.

It's been a slow, painful decline over the past few months, and now Elliot's down to two pairs of pants and four t-shirts that he's willing to wear. Thankfully the t-shirts are somewhat presentable, because Pair of Pants "A" are a size three pair of grey sweats with cuffs that are too short and knees you can see through, and Pair of Pants "B" are a blue pair of sweats that are baggy and very clown-like. I can understand his aversion to jeans, but he's got other pants that aren't jeans that he refuses to wear. And when I say refuse, I mean all out screaming refuse. I just don't go there any more...I do laundry instead and make sure Pants A and B are clean.

As for t-shirts, again I don't understand it. Especially because many of the t-shirts he refuses to wear he wore quite happily two months ago. I realize part of a preschooler's makeup is to try to exert some control, but I ran out of patience on this one about three weeks ago.

So. On to the point of my post. I thought a workable solution would be to find some more sweat pants for him. But can I find any in this city? NO. And don't tell me it's the wrong time of year because I HAVE found fleece pants. And yes, he'll wear those, but it's a bit hot for them right now. I've been to several different places, including consignment stores, and have come up empty-handed.

So if anyone sees a size four pair of sweat pants in their travels, BUY THEM. PLEASE.

As an aside, Amy also refuses to wear jeans, but it's not an issue. Why? Because of cotton leggings. They are everywhere, they are cute, and they are comfortable. Thank God. One is all I can handle.

Yesterday I went for a run at Thetis Lake -- my first visit there since before Yoshi died. This was my favourite place to take Yosh, and we logged a lot of hours there. I had been dreading going, and I wasn't going to go until I was good and ready.

I didn't go alone. We are taking care of Digger for a couple of weeks, and I took him and a small part of Yoshi. Before Yoshi died Greg expressed his wish to have his ashes returned to us. I am not sure I would have done this had I been on my own, but I didn't have any strong objections, so I agreed. A couple of weeks after he died we got the ashes back from the vet. In an urn, of all things. We promptly put them in the basement in a closet as we were not ready to deal with them. But we did talk about some of the things we wanted to do with them, and one of the things I wanted was to bring some out to Thetis.

I wasn't sure how I was going to do this -- I didn't really want to go alone, yet I didn't want to go with anyone. Any humans, that is. But as I was falling asleep one night earlier this week, I suddenly thought: Digger. He'd be perfect company.

So off we went, Digger running ahead of me and a small bag of Yoshi's ashes in my hand. I knew exactly where I was going to leave the ashes. On Trillium trail there is a rock outcrop that Yoshi loved to jump off (and Digger too). I planned to throw some in the lake and leave some on the shoreline. I did most of my run before getting to this spot, and it was a good run. I didn't think about Yoshi much, I just enjoyed the run and Digger's company. Although a couple of times I let myself imagine that I was running with both dogs, and Yoshi was off running in the bush, as he often did.

When we got to the spot, I threw a few ashes in the lake and then got distracted as Digger went crazy looking for a stick. I helped him find one, smiling to myself at the interruption, and then grabbed another handful, threw them in the lake along with the stick and whispered to Digger to go in and join him. And he did. He jumped right in the middle of the ashes, and went for one more swim with his buddy. I put a few more on the shoreline and then I just stood there for a few minutes. I told Yoshi I loved and missed him, and then continued on my run. It was then I discovered you can't run and cry at the same time, so I walked for a bit and had a good cry.

I had a few more ashes left and I was just going to bring them back to the house, but then I saw one of the side trails that Yoshi loved to go on, so I sprinkled some at the entrance and just stood there imagining him running through the bush. I could almost hear him. I collected myself and then finished my run with Digger.

It was exactly what I wanted to do, without really realizing that until I was done. It seemed fitting to have Digger with me, and now that I'm through the hurdle of the "first time back", it will be easier to go again.

Thank you Digger -- you were my rock.

So further to my last post about Elliot not being himself...earlier this week Elliot was colouring with Greg and revealed that Jacob, his daycare buddy, had told him that he didn't want to be Elliot's friend any more. Greg commiserated with him, but didn't delve into any details. We're not clear on when this happened, but it might explain some of the angst he's been going through.

I felt bad for him, but I remember being a kid and I know this crap happens -- it happened to me, I probably did it to others, and it sucks. Although I have to admit that I was a bit surprised it came from a four-year-old, and a boy no less. I thought boys were nicer than girls.

Greg talked to Elliot a bit more about it during bedtime, and we left it at that. We were both glad that he was able to talk to us about it.

Then yesterday after spending the day with me, the kids and I headed up to daycare for their annual Canada Day BBQ. As we were leaving, we walked by one of the play areas where Jacob was playing on his own. Elliot yelled out a cheerful "Hi Jacob!". Jacob said something that I couldn't quite catch, and Elliot turned to me and said: "Did you hear that Mum? He said he isn't my friend anymore." As soon as Elliot repeated the words I realized it was what Jacob had said. And I wanted to drop-kick the kid. Instead I said to Elliot that that wasn't very nice. Elliot barely skipped a beat before he saw someone else and said "But Nate's my friend", which made me feel a bit better.

But it has left me wondering what happened. Sure, kids can be like this, but I was surprised that it was lasting more than a day. And again I'm wondering how much to talk to Elliot about it. My gut says to not dwell on it, and so far I'm going with my gut. Certainly if he brings it up again we can talk about it, or if he seems sad I might mention it. The other thing is whether to talk to his teachers about it. I don't want to be the kind of parent who fights her kids' battles for them, but it's not that I would want them to do anything. It's more that it might shed some light on what happened between them if I talked to them. I'm curious if Elliot actually did something to Jacob, or if this is just coming out of the blue. And I have to admit to feeling very protective of Elliot right now, and I really hope he's not hearing this from Jacob every day. Because that would really suck.

Just feeling a bit out of my league here...except I know the most important thing is that Elliot knows Greg and I love him. No matter what.

Greg and I have been talking recently about how well Elliot is doing at daycare. Compared to a year ago, he's like a different boy. He enthusiastically goes into the classroom in the mornings, he's got a couple of kids he really likes to play with, and he seems to be connecting with all three of his teachers.

Until two weeks ago.

For the past couple of weeks, things have been different. When I pick him up he's often been playing in a corner by himself, or just watching for me. He is much more tentative when we drop him off, and his teachers have said he's been having a tough time. Not all the time, but he goes up and down throughout the day. And he's not very communicative with them when he's not happy, so they haven't been able to figure out what is wrong.

There's been a few things going on. One of his teachers left for surgery and will be gone for three months. But she was replaced by another teacher Elliot knows, and I think he likes her. And he definitely likes his other two teachers. One of his friends has been sick for over a week. And Elliot himself hasn't been feeling all that great. He's had a sore throat and a cough for at least a week.

I've tried to talk to him about it, and he did at one point say he missed Jacob (his friend), but I think I prompted him on that one. And Jacob's been back for two days now and I don't see a difference. I haven't talked about his missing teacher because if he's not upset about her leaving, I don't want to put the thought in his head. Yesterday we talked about his sad feelings a bit and he did tell me he missed me during the day. Fair enough, but why is that all of a sudden making him sad?

I'm really struggling with this, as I want to fix it. Now. Especially since he was so happy before. I have to bite my tongue to keep digging, trying to figure out what is wrong. There's only so much digging you can do with a four-year-old. Plus I don't want to fixate on it, as I don't think that's healthy. It's not that I want to ignore it, but I think I should be focusing on the positive too.

I don't think it's something terribly wrong, because he isn't crying and clinging to my legs during dropoff, and often when I ask him what his favourite part of his day was, it's something from daycare. Plus his general behaviour hasn't changed much. I think if something was really wrong we'd see something at home.

Perhaps it's just a combination of things. He's a sensitive kid, both emotionally and physically, so when you add up a teacher leaving with missing a friend and feeling sick yourself, it doesn't make for an entirely happy kid.

I am finding it hard to balance how much I should talk to him about it, and what I should say when we do talk. Greg pointed out that we should encourage him to talk to his teachers if he's feeling upset about something, which is very true.

At any rate, I'm hoping things improve soon. He and Amy are spending the weekend with Gramma and that's always a perk for him.

I've got to start exercising again...especially if I want to continue to eat and drink the amounts I've been consuming. I've been running once a week, but that's about it. I occasionally get a second run in, and very occasionally a swim. I do not like to get up early to exercise, and so finding the time is difficult. We're usually not done bedtime, dishes, etc. until 8:30 or 9:00 at night, and after that I'm beat.

So. The solution? I think my exercise time has to be scheduled, or it's not going to happen. The problem is, my weekly schedule is a bit of a moving target. So I'm not sure that's going to work. Maybe I could schedule it on a week-by-week basis. And always try to get one run in on the weekend. My goal is running twice a week and swimming once, so if I ran once on the weekend I'd just need to fit in another run and one swim during the week. Seems doable when I write it down.

We'll see how this goes.

Elliot has a Playmobil DHL delivery van that is the DHL yellow and has their logo on the side. He had it in the car with him this morning, and at a stop light we were parked right beside a real DHL van. I pulled up a bit so that Elliot could see the driver, and asked Elliot to hold up his van. The driver noticed, and started laughing. He was talking on the phone and I could tell he was telling whoever he was talking to about it.

Smiles all around.

If it says use parchment paper, use parchment paper.

When you are instructed to turn up a burner to high, make sure you have the correct burner turned up. Do not turn up the one that has been simmering rice for the past 45 minutes.

Dinner tasted okay, minus the rice, but my mistakes made for a stinky kitchen and some dishes that require some major soaking.

This past Sunday morning I found out via Twitter that the Harbour Ferries were free that day from 9 am to 1 pm. I've always wanted to take a ride on one, so we decided to go. We parked at Spinnakers because we figured the lineups might be shorter there. We saw a ferry coming and starting running along the West Bay Walkway until we realized the ferry was going all the way to the West Bay Marina...there was no way we were going to make it. We realized at that point that we'd gone the wrong way (there was a dock much closer if we'd walked the other way), but decided to continue walking to the marina and pick up the ferry there.

Amy was in the stroller and Elliot walked, and Elliot walked (and ran) the whole way without a complaint. We saw a few float planes landing and taking off, and generally enjoyed the scenery. As we were getting close we saw another ferry coming so we started running again to see if we could catch it, but it turned out to be futile because when we got to the dock there was a fairly large lineup. The kids and I waited in line while Greg got us some lunch, and we had a very enjoyable time waiting for the ferry. The people beside us were really friendly, the kids were having a good time and the sun was (mostly) out.

We waited for about 30 minutes and then got on a ferry to Fisherman's Wharf. Elliot sat up front on his knees so he could look out the window, asking questions the whole way. Amy was a bit scared, but she sat on Greg's knee and didn't cry, so I don't think it was too traumatic for her.

At Fisherman's Wharf we picked up a free ice cream cone for each of the kids, and then contemplated what we were going to do. It was getting close to Amy's nap time and the lineup to get back to the marina on the ferry was huge. So we decided to walk some more...we walked along the waterfront to downtown, something I've never done before. It started raining a bit but there were no complaints from the kids. Elliot started to get tired before James Bay and Amy was willing to get out of the stroller and walk a bit, so that worked well. We meandered through the Inner Harbour with Amy and I stopping to say hi to the "neighs". We watched a busker for a bit and then continued walking to the Johnson Street Bridge, where we took a short bus ride back to the car. Elliot and I decided to stay on the bus all the way to the Boat Park and we had a short play there before walking home.

We were out for about four hours and it was four of the best hours I've spent with my family. We were having an adventure, we weren't spending a lot of money, we didn't really have a plan, I was proud of how well the kids did, and we saw parts of our hometown that we've never seen before. We ended up getting home very late for Amy's nap, but she did fine and Greg and I both realized that this is a new stage for us -- being able to be out with both kids for so long, doing so much physical activity, and having a great time. A year ago Amy would have been exhausted and crying, and Elliot would have been exhausted and whining.

Next up? Maybe a trip to French Beach.